So it’s been 7 weeks since I put in an application at Rutgers.

I decide to call.

“Women and Gender Studies Department, this is Angela. How may I help you?”

Hi (insert name, identifying program information with hopeful strain in voice), I was wondering if there is a foreseeable timeline for admissions because I was advised to call after 6 weeks?

What’s your name?

I spell out my name even though I’m sure she just wanted it said plain and regular.

“Oh, ok. Those letters have gone out today.”

Thank you.

I spent 15 minutes analyzing the liklihood that she thought, “OH, I’m going to let her enjoy the news from her mailbox so her acceptance letter will just be a lovely surprise.”

Then I spent another 5 minutes refuting those thoughts because I think they’d email or call with happy news.

Maybe they’re old fashioned and don’t use email to send acceptance invitatations.
CLUNK They have phones.

Maybe I should’ve sent in a tighter research proposal.
CLUNK I was honest. I want to study bicultural women of color and the impact of religiosity.

Maybe I don’t really want grad school.
CLUNK If you had doubts, it probably came through on your app.

Maybe I’m misreading her, “Oh, ok, ‘those’ letters went out today,” phrase.
CLUNK I rarely misread, if ever.

RUT-gers, I think, is a no.

“So, you’re turning 28, right?”

“Yes.”

“And you’re turning 28 on the 27th?”

“Uh-huh. It’s the end of my golden year.”

“Mhm.”

“I think I’m going to wear something gold everyday until Tuesday to signify the end of my golden year.”

“Well, you know what comes after gold don’t you?”

“Silver?”

“Platinum, baby, platinum! You’re going platinum this year!”

There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING like going to the dentist and having your teeth cleaned.

In my appointment in September, I noticed the bizarre advertisements in the waiting area. If I were a terribly insecure individual, I might consider having my mouth shrunk so that I eat slower, less and therefore would FINALLY have the fantastic body that I’ve clearly been denied by the cosmos. Who would have thought it was all due to the size of my mouth?

This time, I turned by attention to the lovely dental hygenist who went at my mouth like a bat out of hell. Everytime she grabbed that mini hose and suction thingy, I knew my gums were bleeding like a hammered pig. All the dental hygenists do the cleaning.

My Santa Claus-like dentist, jolly Dr. Merkl, always gives me a hearty chuckle, “Keep up the good work with that flossing!” I guess I should mention he is considerably overweight and struggles to stand up straight. Dentists usually bend their backs to look deep into our black holes. I don’t know how much of his problems are attributed to his cute belly or occupation.

Regardless, my observations for this appointment were nothing surprising. After lovely BrownEyes worked on my mouth for nearly 40 minutes, Santa merely stroked my newly cleaned teeth with the scraper and asked me to bite down before he delivered his usual enthusiastic sentiment to keep A-GO with my dental ways.

A staff full of women. A man who checks me at the end.

Church. State. University. Even Santa and his helpers.

At the head of things, it’s usually a man.

My mouth contorts in disappointment. At least it’s clean.

And what do you do when you struggle through life? Well, you listen to music. You find lyrics that speak for you when you’re too overwhelmed to blog, that’s what you do. It’s a cheap blog day. Since I can’t play a song on my blog, the lyrics will have to do.

You know the song. The cheesy but oh-so-freakin-true song by REM, Everybody Hurts, which played on all the great TV shows during tumultuous times…

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,

When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on.

Don’t let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it’s time to sing along.

When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)

If you feel like letting go, (hold on)

When you think you’ve had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.

Everybody hurts. Don’t throw your hand. Oh, no. Don’t throw your hand.

If you feel like you’re alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you’re on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,

When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,

Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.

And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on.