Happy Birthday Month to ME!

Celebrating 28 years of Molting!

I believe in power. I believe in the human capacity to evoke change in the world and self. What in this world has been so devastated that we cannot come to offer it healing, a promise to rebuild? Nothing, not even history, is so devastated it cannot be healed.

I believe in power. I believe in the human capacity to refuse change in the world and self. The truth of humans is that most are silently owned and overcome by ignorance and indifference. The idea that we are never stagnant, we are always changing, is foreign. We are never full or done. We are paintings that can always stand for further work – enhanced color, polishing, a new gloss, different placement, more brushing…I am never done.

I believe that power exists between us and it grossly interpreted in materialistic and godless ways, where we let – yes, we LET – arrogance, agenda, and self-righteousness stroke and tender our hearts. We allow, instead of fighting.

I believe in a power that cannot be explained, the invisible cracks of emotional violence that can fill a room between two persons. I believe in the possibility of harming another person without saying a word. I believe that the histories that changed us need to be constantly forgiven, even when you don’t know how. I believe I can forgive, even when I don’t know how.

I believe that I am right, for myself. And today, that is what I need.

It was time to pull a new Purpose card out of the deck. You know, the poetic randoms that leave one wondering, “Should I have pursued culinary school instead of taking that LSAT course? What could have been…or SHOULD have been…ahh…”

I pulled EMERGE from the deck. Frowning, I forgot to do my ritual of closing my eyes and going where my hand leads me. I did it again.

EMERGE emerged again. I nearly squealed with my serendipitous luck. Here’s what it says:

So, we’re almost through January Spectacular 2007 and here’s what’s new:

• My new nephew is reported to be a very good boy and has a regular Filipino appetite. That means he latches on to his Mama’s breast and won’t stop feeding himself.

• Adonis is working his patookis off and therefore pissing me off. But, it’s Ministry – how can you blame the job? Everyone is in need of spiritual guidance. But no one moreso than me.

• I ate a turkey salad yesterday and I think the turkey was bad because, today, I have not left the bathroom for more than 43 minutes before I have to go back. Humiliating. I had to leave a meeting early.

• All applications are in and are currently being perused by lofting admissions people. Adonis and I should know in the next couple of months what the hell is going on.

• Teaching is getting better. The first paper is due today and I’m a hard grader, so we’ll see how much hate mail I can gather in 48 hours once papers are returned.

• I’ve become a HUGE fan of The Search for a White Rapper, a terribly bad MTV show that I watched over the weekend at Adonis’ parents’ place. My favorite feature? An enormous mayonnaise jar that had a screeen in the middle of it that says, “You’ve got MAYO,” when there is a message for participants.

• Dude, I’m getting buff. My trainer has me lifting and I love the feeling of strength training. I’ve never done it this steadily before in my life. I feel strong, healthy, and totally capable to kick anyone’s ass.

• Speaking of kicking ass, my new camera is ripping my life apart with its creative genius. Yesterday, I walked into my favorite coffee shop and told the manager that I was doing a photography project on the inside and ambiance of coffee shops and asked if I could take pictures inside. She said, of course, YES. And between the poetry-ed walls and huge African statues, I had plenty of material. I’ll post them soon.

• I have one month left of my golden year. 28 will soon be here and I am ready for it. I am preparing a speech for myself that I will deliver in my living room at 9:21pm on 2/27. I think Adonis will be the only one in attendance. Perhaps I will copy the speech and post here as well.

I once read a book, probably 15 years ago, that left a deep impression on me. What I remember about it are two things: 1) I loved it and 2) questions of any order are necessary and invaluable.

Bingo asks questions in Seinfeld fashion. It’s about nothing and awesome all at once. My favorite page of the book is the one that has drawn-out details of Bingo’s footpath from his desk to the pencil sharpener that would waste the most time in class and also so he could walk by one of his three crushes. The book is about nothing. I completely resonated with its futile wonderings.

So, I am going to resurrect the Burning Questions. Beginning with this:

Is it wrong, truly wrong, to hate something when there is no resolution, no possible confrontation, closure, or even a revisit to make it right?