When I was a kid, my mom told me that I would be able to sleep in when I was an adult. Childhood, then, became this drudgery where I could not wait for it to pass. Specifically, I’m talking about waking up in the morning. The rest was awesome.
Mornings became this breadcrumb game in which small pieces of yumminess were laid out for me and I followed, believing that when I reached my destination (adulthood), I’d finally get what I deserved: late mornings.
LIARS. Everyone.
Adulthood is even worse when it comes to waking up in the morning. When you’re a child and you dig deeper in your mattress, trying to hide from the world, at least you have an excuse. I’M A CHILD. But, as an adult, what are you supposed to do with a spouse who delightfully jumps in the shower to embrace a cool morning and an adorable 9 mo old who is trying to rip his crib open because he wants to be sung to? You can’t exactly dig yourself deeper in the mattress in those circumstances. Disheveled and disoriented, I wake up, with the same thought, “Why did my mother lie to me?”
Hear me now: Life is not a slumber party. It’s an alarm clock.
Other pieces of advice I bequeath to young whippersnappers after I have unfurled more lies…
throw out your college textbooks…really, you’ll never use them again.
throw out your grad school text books…no, REALLY, trust me, you will never use them again.
brand DOES matter when it comes to vacuums
polenta, pomegranate, merlot are all overrated
pruning, walking, stretching are underrated
My mom told me that if you got Barbie wet above her knees, her hair would fall out…presumably to guard against Barbie’s wet locks ruining furniture. I believed it until I was in college and actually thought about it.