i keep using the word “recovery”

like i just went through something that caused trauma or pain, when in actuality, i went through something that made me feel more alive.

so, am i recovering from being alive?  going back to being less alive or…?

i am recovering from exhaustion, dehydration, fatigue, being “on” the whole time (when you’re photographing, you are unrelenting in finding the perfect angle and light), and translating english-spanish/spanish-english.

i’m tired.

so tired, i’m not bothering with capitalization.

the longest separation from my son – 5 days – and the next morning, when i got him out of his crib, he just smiled and stared at me, like he couldn’t really believe i was there.  and we sat together and talked.  i told him about el salvador and the people i met there.  he made noises and smiled.  he showed me his newest milestone: clapping.  i almost started crying.  (…the tears never stop…)

when he napped, i stared at the ceiling of my bedroom.  lying on my back, i examined how the walls met the ceiling perfectly.  no gaps, no holes for water, light, animals, or insects to come through.  no wind.  nothing except a soft green painted wall and a creme colored ceiling.  nick and i joke about our old windows being from the 1920s, but now i see an efficient window pane keeping all things that belong outside, outside.

i stared at my kitchen.  the white shelves nick built for me that hold my spices, lentiles, dried fruits, and pasta.  the abundance spoke to me in new ways.

chiltiupan has nothing in abundance.  and in the five days i spent walking the mountain roads, my leg muscles were hardened from the terrain.  here i only have smooth wooden steps that take me upstairs.  no dusty roads or lopsided cobblestone pathways.  here we have an old, worn lawn mower (probably in its last days) that can barely make the turn to go in another direction.  in chiltiupan, there are machetes to cut brush, apples, animals, and trees.

i tell people that when you travel to economically underdeveloped countries to not waste your time on guilt.  guilt is a self-indulgent emotion when left alone too long.  it leads to unproductive action geared toward what will relieve your guilt instead of utilizing your privilege and power to be used for something helpful, something that will relieve the violence, poverty, and injustice.

stop the guilt.  start believing.  start acting.  start thinking.  collaborate, be joyful, be useful, let yourself be transformed so your relationships are more than just words of love, but are action based foundations of love.

remove “feeling bad” for what you have and, instead, use what you’ve been given for good.  what good comes from “feeling bad?”

more action is done from joy and understanding than guilt and bad feelings.  they steer you toward charity, not justice.

it’s not enough to go to the poor corners of the world and feel peaceful because of their smiles.  it’s not enough to wonder how “they” survive and leave money in their hands.  it’s not enough to get on a plane and tell your friends that the people are wonderful.

what is enough?

it is a question only you can answer yourself.  it is a question between you and Whom/Whatever you pray to at night.