Me to Nick: I think we should practice giving Isaiah the epipen in case he eats a peanut or has a bad reaction to something and can’t breathe.  We should be ready.  No fumbles.

Nick: (slowly looking at the epipen package) Okaaay, it says right here..ah, yes..right here, it reads ‘PRACTICE PEN.’

Me: Good.  Let’s practice…(clears throat before screaming and picking up Isaiah off the floor) NICK!  ISAIAH’S NOT BREATHING!  GRAB THE EPIPEN!

Nick: (doesn’t move, still reading instructions)

ME: Let’s do that again.  The point of the drill is that you, you know, act it out.  Do it.  NICK!  ISAIAH’S NOT BREATHING!  GRAB THE EPIPEN!

Nick: Mhm, it says right here (slowly) ‘reeeemooovveee the bluuuuuuueeee caaaaaap’

Lisa: I’m not impressed by your speed whatsoever.

Nick: Stick it against the thigh and press.  wait until you hear the click. (practices on own thigh)

Lisa: Gimme that.  (practices on Nick’s thigh)

Nick: If we’re practicing, why are we practicing on my thigh?

Lisa: Oh, right.

(gently pulls Isaiah’s thunder thigh and moves pen to his thigh)

Isaiah: Meeerr.  BaDaDOOOEE.

Lisa: He doesn’t like it.

(Nick begins pulling Isaiah’s pants down to practice epipen on thunder thigh)

Lisa: You don’t need to remove clothing.  This should go through all layers.

Nick:  Are you kidding?  I’m removing his pants.  I want that stuff to go through as quick as possible if we need to use it.

Lisa:  It’s made to go through clothing.  I saw the video for this.  It goes through denim or whatever.

Nick:  What’s that thing that you stick in someone’s heart so that they breathe?  Why don’t we have that?

Lisa:  A needle with adrenaline?  Are you insane?  This is real life, this isn’t Pulp Fiction.

Nick: This could be Pulp Nonfiction.

Isaiah: Meeerrrrr.  BADOO.

Lisa: Look, see?  You upset him.  He thinks we’re going to put a syringe in his heart.  Nice parenting skills.